THE FRATERNITY HOUSE basement I lived in my last year at school
had blue AstroTurf for the floor and painted cinder blocks for the walls. There was a pool table, whose one missing leg was replaced with an upside-down coffee cup. Imagine that almost all the themed fraternity parties (Hawaiian luaus, Christmas Tree decorating, Halloween, Winter Solstice, and all the other excuses to drink and invite women to drink) were held in this space. I’ve always heard about these companies who are hired to clean up crime scenes. They wear hazmat suits, apply toxic chemicals, and use very high-suction equipment to remove the scents and stains. As for us, if there was any cleaning done at all, a pledge was given the responsibility of using a big squeegee on a stick. The cans, cups, and items of clothing left there because it was hot in the basement were all thrown in the trash. The “entertainment director” for the house viewed the room, blessed it, and that was it. Ready for the next party. There were “open bar” parties and there were “trash can punch” parties. Open bar parties had bartenders who poured drinks, if you can call them that. Usually someone would order a drink, and one of the fraternity members who was playing bartender would pour whatever they felt like pouring. God forbid you complained. You might not get served again. Trash can punch parties were actually the better planned of the two
types of parties. I think this was because a real possibility of felonies existed. Punch, water, and punch mix were put in a trash can that had a liner so that the trash can could be used as a trash can the next day. This was tasted without alcohol and, when it was about a third full and tasted right, the chemistry majors would begin the precise mixing of vodka, lemonade, and grain alcohol into the punch. Every two bottles of each, they would taste again, determine which portion of what ingredients needed to be added, and begin again. The chemistry majors worked in shifts because the first round was so drunk by their second turn, another team was needed. I attended probably one out of three of these events. They were required for membership. I was busy. Over the course of three years at school, I had achieved leadership roles in a dozen campus activities including Board of Governors, Student Affairs Senate, and Board of Trustees. These are the most prestigious. I worked my spare hours, about 15 hours per week, at a job downtown. I worked washing dishes in the dining hall for a little money and for meals. I wanted to get out of college as fast as possible and on to my future. I wanted no debt. Even though I was on a full scholarship, there were still living bills, books, and the usual other things. I got out in three years, even though I could have taken four and just coasted for fun. I have not one single friend from college that I have carried into my post-college life. Facebook is great for showing me the history I was at but not a part of. One of my fraternity brothers will post a picture of a party or an outing. I see them connecting and reliving the past. They often plan reunions or groups travel somewhere because they have stayed together a long time. The pictures have twenty or thirty follows or strings of comments from other members from those events. I never add. I can’t. I wasn’t there, or it wasn’t memorable. I remember some of the people a little bit, but only in shades, not full color. How can you run a dozen organizations, be a fraternity member, be a part of a small liberal arts college, and not have a friend that means something to you? I must have had some friends to get elected to all of those positions, at least.
I Sh o u ld H av e S t u d i e d L e ss & D ru nk Mo re
The addiction to the future. With eyes on the future, I did not give a lot of value to the now. I was not creating relationships with the now, just the future. It is a great vision to give to people to allow you to get elected, but it is a lonely one if you are giving a different vision to a number of different groups. Those groups did well. I sorted out early differences between leading and managing. I would get someone to manage. I found someone who did not want to be seen but liked to organize and get things done. I gave that person a ton of authority and moved on. The group did great, and I could pursue the next thing. I was working on a résumé. They were just working on a group. I have written about the nature of life tourists, and I truly believe in that idea. This was a situation that I traded heavily for a future of hoped for-journeys and missed great “now” journeys. I missed out on those journeys. TRADE #1 Friendships mean time. My brother says this often: “Friends
are people that you choose to waste time with.” If you don’t choose to make space for friends in your life, you don’t have to worry about having them. My trade was 100%. I traded my present at the time with people I knew and liked for a future I would spend with people I had not met. All-or-nothing trade. TRADE #2 Friendships mean connection. There is a frequency to real
friendships. You have to stay connected. Phone calls were the old way. Digital is the new way. Not general blurbs to the world, but direct and personal. My speed dial of friends has four. That’s four times as many as I had five years ago. You don’t have to have 100, but more than one or two keeps you outside of yourself. TRADE #3 Friendships are inconvenient. Early on I talked about life
tourists and the ones who could be counted to show up at night with a truck and two shovels. Sometimes you have to have the shovel. Friends never need you at just the right time. The best friends are the ones that you will “stop, drop and roll” for. I Sh o u ld H av e S t u d i e d L e ss & Dru nk Mo re