I remember sitting in metal chairs in July with my dad and Mrs. Reynolds. My dad and I had gone over to her house so that she could explain what I had done wrong that had gotten me fired from working on her hedges. Because I was 11, my dad had a strong desire to infuse in me a sense of responsibility as well as respect for people older than me. It was with these objectives in mind that he and I walked over to meet with Mrs. Reynolds. Mrs. Reynolds was the neighbor lady with the white hair, strands floating around her face and head as if there was a constant light breeze. Her entire demeanor brought to mind one of the photos of desperate people looking at their breaking fragile lives in southwest Kansas during the period known as the Dust Bowl. Her eyes were a little haunted and when she looked up from her mail box or yard as your car went by and you waved. She always waved 3-4 seconds late. Her brain could not get the hand to move until the rear car window passed. We were on the front porch of her house for this conversation. I do not think that anyone on the street had ever been in the house. She always came to the door, stepped out on the porch, closed the door before she talked to you, or spoke through the screen door. Dad asked a single question, "Mrs. Reynolds, I know that we can figure out how Tom can make this right. Can you tell me or show me what needs to be done?" I wonder if my Dad has regrets about that question. It is possible. We don't discuss it. What came forth was a rambling discussion of unprofessional training, taking advantage of old women, the need for people to know what was expected without being told and most importantly, that green things need to be cut back, but not too much, just the right amount in the back, but not the side of the house. She should not have to come out and explain herself as to what that meant. This took almost an hour. Her voice would move from melodic to vicious and spitting within a blink. I think it was a little unnerving to my father, and he wasn't the one who got fired. My dad thanked Mrs. Reynolds, told her that he and I would talk about this and we left. On the walk home, dad was tactful. It was hard on him, even at 11, I could see that. On one hand, he wanted me to be respectful. On the other hand, she was bat shit crazy, he knew it, and he knew that I had been treated poorly. It ended with a simple gesture of him putting his hand on my shoulder and saying, "You don't need to go back there anymore." I think there are certain things that are good for every person to experience and overcome. One of the first is being fired. Fired - I have been fired a number of times. None of the times was "for cause." I have been fired so that the company could get my stock, they were downsizing, I screwed up, they screwed up or the person for whom I was working was bat shit crazy, (Mrs. Reynolds). Being fired happens, at the bottom of the organizational chart all the way up to CEO. In the short term, it is demoralizing, even if you know that it is coming. You feel like you did something, it is unfair and second guess yourself. How will you explain it when you interview? How will you explain it to your spouse, family and friends? What are you going to do about money? Even people who live their entire working lives with the intention of not getting fired, find themselves in the position of being fired. You will be fired. Start the drumroll now, because it is coming. Being fired is liberating. My brother has been fired enough times that he has a protocol for what to do when fired. He calls his wife. They book the earliest flight to a warm place, take books and bathing suits, sit on the beach and decompress. Why does he get fired so often, especially since he is a genius? Because he is hired to make incredible change and large growth happen. If he does both, they fire him because it was painful, but they do not need him. The result has occurred and changed. This does not make you popular. If he only makes the change on his way to the growth, the snakes in the grass who do not want change gather and kill him. Getting fired is really clarifying, but it is hard to get clarity within the four walls of your home and the routine. You need to break that state, get the hell out of Dodge, and breathe in the new reality of opportunity. Everyone will get fired, downsized, right-sized, or be a drone of diminishing value living in fear of when your company will eliminate you. The drumroll is beating, don't be afraid of it. Broke - My mom always said, "Broke is a moment, poor is a perspective of your life." I guess she was telling me that I should not be afraid of being broke, that passes. If you are poor, you will have the idea that you have no prospects of being anything but poor because you have few opportunities of being anything else. My grandfather on my dad's side always kept a $100 bill in his pocket. He was lower middle class, but he kept that bill in his pocket because it reminded him that if he wanted to do something like play in a card game, buy new shoes or golf, he could, because he had the money, he just chose not to. He drove a milk truck for 30 years. A $100 bill was a very large amount of money back then. Choice gave him confidence that let him look others in the eye and say, "Not interested today," rather than "I can't afford it." My grandparents lived in a little house and did not have any luxuries. My dad put himself through college. Having said that, they may at times have been broke, but they were never poor. Winning - You might say, "Duh!" It's not as simple as wanting to win. You need to win at some point in your life at something that you desperately, feverishly worked to win at. Chess, boxing, football, debate, lacrosse, science fair…I could go on. Winning is a habit. It creates an expectation, just like losing. If you are "fighting out of your weight class," then get in your weight class and win there. Then move up. I interview a lot of people and have for decades. I look for people who have worked, fought and won. I favor people who had to work to pay for parts of their education. That's not exclusive. I look for people who have had to push themselves for hours to refine skills with focus to get better. Then, and most importantly, I look for people who have won. They do not have to have won all of the time, or even most of the time. They do need to know what winning feels like, tastes like and want more of that. Tried real hard and it's not their fault. I do not care. Losing is a pattern and a flavor just like winning is. People need to know what the flavor of winning is. Fighting - Set aside Rocky Marciano and Muhammed Ali, that is not the kind of fighting that I mean. Every person needs to have fought with someone or a group over an issue, a program, idea or proposal. If you are going to be one of the one-percent of the people who actually lead the sheep of the planet, you have to know how to fight. There is only one way to learn how to fight and that is in the ring. There are skills that you can learn from mentors and books. Those are helpful. However, if you want to learn how to fight it is like learning how to swim, you only learn when you are in the water. You do not fight all the time and every time. If you do, in a very short period you develop a reputation as a blow hard that people endure rather than consider. Mike Tyson, when he was at his prime, was famous for watching hours of tape of the best fighters to learn their techniques. For that matter, Peyton Manning had the same reputation. Learning from the best and then fighting/playing, that is something that everyone needs to have the experience of doing because it decreases the fear of doing it. Of course, after all of the preparation, they competed against the best they could in their sport. I think that we should all have first-kisses, first loves, broken-hearts. I think we should have dreams bigger than we think possible, moments of joy we cannot describe and other moments of feeling lonely that we are not certain we can rise above. Those are not the moments I have obviously focused on. Must-have life moments that shape capability and often character are the ones above. If you have not had them, you are going to be incomplete and less successful
I learned about a last one that I would add and I learned about it late in life.
Compassion – This Must-Have Moment is longer than a moment and is double-sided. You have to have it and you have to have learned about it through receiving it. I mishandled so many situations in my personal and professional life because I did not fully understand compassion. Over the course of several years of health concerns and time spent with others and their health concerns, I have learned about receiving and giving compassion. Loving people, caring for them, considering circumstances over policies and extending your generosity beyond what a person might do for you to what you can do for someone else. When you are much younger, even into your 30’s and 40’s, you can be nearly invincible or at the very least, insulated. The younger you learn compassion, more complete you are and effective you are at living and leading.
This short-list gives a lot of strength. It’s worth looking for in friends, employees and developing in your kids.